Large Love, Small Love, All Love

Several years ago I led a 40 day meditation on Love. Up until that point, I had some ideas of what love was and wasn’t, but clearly I needed to experience the topic more. My mother died 5 days into the meditation, and following the meditation, I had several more extreme experience of pain and loss over the next several months. All of the experiences had to do with the concept of loving someone or what love was supposed to mean. The idea of the meditation was the recognition that there was a love that was impermanent, and a love that was permanent, and to identify within one’s own self what that meant.

For me, I was aware that love had to do with connection: either my God above and around me, and the relationships I had with people. The connections with people were finite, as evidenced with people leaving and my mother dying. But still something was profoundly missing.
I became aware that love was also a type of frequency.
Just like hate had its own frequency, as does joy, sadness, despair, and happiness. All these emotional states had a wavelength and quality. I learned that my connections were based on the symbiotic frequencies I shared with others…chemical, physical, mental, and emotional. Energetic qualities also had their own frequencies, as we are all frequencies and wavelengths slowed down long enough to become matter, the energetic frequencies that I was experiencing at this time were at their deepest, bringing forth memories and behavior patterns long thought resolved and buried.
At the same time, the bliss states of connection, and the awareness of the God source became deeper and more refined. I was more profoundly aware and able to facilitate that connection within myself. But also finding myself more often than not, deeply unable to feel any connection at all to the larger source or God. It was as if I was in a black void, I felt terribly disoriented, terribly separate, terribly ungrounded.
Some would say given the depth of loss, grief and disassociation would be a part of the process. While I would agree that grief was profound and there was separation from “self”, there was also a rapid shifting and awareness taking shape. The shaman was shape shifting her self.
Of late, what I have become aware of is the sense that there is a “larger love”, a pervading force all around us that has nothing to do with my frequency or another. While my brain and sensations needed and craved a reference for love, the love was there whether I was connected to anyone or not. And that this larger love has a larger universal frequency that all who pray and meditate can access. We are attracted to the particular prayer, meditation or religious faith because the frequency meshes with our own. And in a sense that larger perception of love is always here. Love has nothing to do with faith, with how you access it, for it is just here. When a person dies, they don’t take the love that you shared, they take their frequency and your ability to connect with love through that frequency…but that frequency and wave form is part of the larger ever present and constant whole.
And one final thought here: anger and fear is a product of our brain.
We generate it from our brain, and we spend most of our lives trying to avoid it, overcome it or not do it. Anger and fear are our greatest disconnectors from this universal force of Love, as well as the love frequency we share with others. While we can use the energy of anger and fear to motivate us to action and even carry us through life, this way of living will ultimately destroy our cells and our ability to live in harmony with our selves and others.
If we at times can lift ourselves out of the story we tell ourselves of what our frequencies and perceptions mean…if we can have the feeling of love…without all the judgements and liabilities we put on ourselves and others, we would be much healthier and happier. But we are not wired this way. We collect our experiences and armor ourselves, and we need to make concerted effort to unarmor…to practice acts of service, to have faith in something larger than our story, and to practice prayer and meditation like metta meditation to cultivate the felt sense of love. And at times, yes, we can also just let go, and just trust, believe and know that love is always here, and it is here to stay. No matter what.
May you feel the boundless source of love throughout your being and be happy.